1
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,738
[ BABY CRYING ]

2
00:00:05,805 --> 00:00:07,172
PLEASE, MAKE HIM STOP!

3
00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:09,208
I'M TRYING!
NOTHING'S WORKING.

4
00:00:09,275 --> 00:00:11,710
OKAY, GO THROUGH YOUR
CHECKLIST... DIAPER? EMPTY.

5
00:00:11,778 --> 00:00:12,778
STOMACH?
FULL.

6
00:00:12,812 --> 00:00:14,046
NAP TIME?
HAD IT.

7
00:00:14,114 --> 00:00:16,092
MAYBE HE JUST REALIZED
WHO HIS DADDY IS.

8
00:00:16,116 --> 00:00:17,116
HEY!

9
00:00:17,183 --> 00:00:18,951
THAT'S VERY FUNNY.
COME ON, ROOKIE.

10
00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:20,085
HAND OVER THE KID.

11
00:00:20,153 --> 00:00:21,497
LET ME SHOW YOU
HOW IT'S DONE.

12
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,722
HERE YOU GO.
GOOD LUCK.

13
00:00:23,790 --> 00:00:27,259
♪ ROCKABYE, BABY,
ON THE TREE TOP ♪

14
00:00:27,327 --> 00:00:30,262
♪ WHEN THE WIND BLOWS,
THE CRADLE WILL ROCK ♪

15
00:00:30,330 --> 00:00:33,032
[ Loudly ] ♪ WHEN THE BOUGH
BREAKS, THE CRA... ♪

16
00:00:33,099 --> 00:00:34,867
OKAY.

17
00:00:34,934 --> 00:00:37,503
WOW, THAT IS
ONE CRYING BABY!

18
00:00:37,570 --> 00:00:38,604
CAN YOU MAKE HIM STOP?

19
00:00:38,671 --> 00:00:40,416
OF COURSE I CAN,
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

20
00:00:40,440 --> 00:00:42,585
CRYING IS ACTUALLY GOOD
FOR THE BABY'S LUNGS.

21
00:00:42,609 --> 00:00:44,720
SEE, THAT'S HOW PATTI LaBELLE
GOT HER START.

22
00:00:44,744 --> 00:00:48,180
WAAAA, WAAAAA,
WAA, WAA, WAA,

23
00:00:48,248 --> 00:00:51,250
WAA, WAAA,
WAAA, WAAA...

24
00:00:51,317 --> 00:00:52,351
WAA, WAA.

25
00:00:52,419 --> 00:00:55,054
BUT HE'S BEEN CRYING
SO LONG, MR. KYLE.

26
00:00:55,121 --> 00:00:57,823
WE CAN'T FIGURE
HOW TO MAKE HIM STOP.

27
00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,958
THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU ARE ALL INEPT.

28
00:01:00,026 --> 00:01:02,428
NOW, IF YOU ADMIT
THAT YOU CANNOT EXIST

29
00:01:02,495 --> 00:01:04,463
WITHOUT MY WISDOM
AND GUIDANCE,

30
00:01:04,531 --> 00:01:07,032
I SHALL BE HAPPY TO QUIET
THE CRYING CHILD.

31
00:01:07,100 --> 00:01:08,634
MICHAEL!

32
00:01:08,701 --> 00:01:10,436
OKAY, LET ME HAVE HIM.

33
00:01:10,503 --> 00:01:11,904
OKAY, COME HERE.

34
00:01:11,971 --> 00:01:15,808
NOW, YOU ALL WAIT HERE,
AND I'LL GO WORK MY MAGIC.

35
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:18,110
COME, CHILD,
I SHALL BRING YOU PEACE.

36
00:01:18,178 --> 00:01:20,379
DID YOU EVER GET CURIOUS
AS TO WHAT HE'S DOING?

37
00:01:20,447 --> 00:01:23,082
IT DIDN'T MATTER TO ME AS LONG
AS HE GOT THESE KIDS TO SHUT UP.

38
00:01:23,149 --> 00:01:24,917
[ CRYING STOPS ]

39
00:01:24,984 --> 00:01:28,020
WOW!
THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

40
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:31,423
BEHOLD, THE HAPPY BABY.

41
00:01:31,491 --> 00:01:33,125
NOW, ARE THERE
ANY OTHER MIRACLES

42
00:01:33,193 --> 00:01:34,737
YOU GUYS WOULD HAVE ME
PERFORM?

43
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:37,339
HOW DID YOU DO IT? YEAH,
DAD, WHAT'S THE SECRET?

44
00:01:37,363 --> 00:01:39,965
THE MASTER CANNOT DIVULGE
ANCIENT SECRETS

45
00:01:40,033 --> 00:01:42,234
TO MERE COMMONERS
OF THE VILLAGE.

46
00:01:42,302 --> 00:01:44,603
THE INFORMATION
IS WAY TOO POWERFUL.

47
00:01:44,671 --> 00:01:47,005
IT MIGHT CRUSH
THY TINY LITTLE MIND.

48
00:01:47,073 --> 00:01:48,884
OH, COME ON, DAD.
JUST TELL US.

49
00:01:48,908 --> 00:01:50,709
SILENCE! ANY MORE
INSOLENCE FROM YOU,

50
00:01:50,777 --> 00:01:53,612
AND I SHALL BE FORCED TO PLUCK
A FAIR MAIDEN FROM YOUR VILLAGE

51
00:01:53,680 --> 00:01:54,813
AND HAVE MY WAY WITH HER.

52
00:01:54,881 --> 00:01:56,081
BUT, MR. KYLE...

53
00:01:56,149 --> 00:01:58,884
THAT'S IT.
COME, VIRGIN MOTHER OF THREE.

54
00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,112
YOU MUST PAY FOR THE IGNORANCE
OF THY CHILDREN.

55
00:02:01,154 --> 00:02:03,555
BUT I SAIDETH NOTHING,
DEAR SIR.

56
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:07,059
YOU WILL SCREAM AND YELL
AND BEG FOR MERCY!

57
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,227
WHOO!

58
00:02:08,294 --> 00:02:10,162
FOR ABOUT THREE MINUTES.

59
00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:12,698
WE SHALL RETURN.
[ CHUCKLES ]

60
00:02:12,765 --> 00:02:14,666
COME.

61
00:02:20,406 --> 00:02:23,876
[ PIANO MUSIC PLAYS ]

62
00:02:27,947 --> 00:02:29,882
[ APPLAUSE ]
WOW, THAT WAS GREAT!

63
00:02:29,949 --> 00:02:32,184
YOU ACTUALLY PLAYED THREE NOTES
THIS TIME, KADY!

64
00:02:32,252 --> 00:02:34,887
I KNOW. SHE'S IMPROVING
AT AN ASTOUNDING RATE.

65
00:02:34,954 --> 00:02:37,389
WILL I EVER BE AS GOOD
AS YOU ARE, FRANKLIN?

66
00:02:37,457 --> 00:02:40,325
YES, YOU COULD BE, BUT TWO
THINGS WOULD HAVE TO HAPPEN...

67
00:02:40,393 --> 00:02:42,794
NUMBER ONE, YOU'D HAVE
TO PRACTICE REALLY HARD,

68
00:02:42,862 --> 00:02:45,464
AND NUMBER TWO, THEY'D HAVE
TO FIND A CURE FOR DEATH,

69
00:02:45,532 --> 00:02:48,033
WHICH, INCIDENTALLY,
I'M WORKING ON AS WE SPEAK.

70
00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:49,902
REALLY?
HAVE YOU MADE ANY PROGRESS?

71
00:02:49,969 --> 00:02:53,205
YES, ACTUALLY.
I HAVE A 4-YEAR-OLD FRUIT FLY.

72
00:02:53,273 --> 00:02:56,275
[ LAUGHS ]

73
00:02:56,342 --> 00:02:59,444
AS IF A FRUIT FLY
COULD LIVE FOR FOUR YEARS!

74
00:02:59,512 --> 00:03:01,180
[ LAUGHING CONTINUES ]

75
00:03:01,247 --> 00:03:04,550
THAT WOULD BE PREPOSTEROUS!

76
00:03:04,617 --> 00:03:08,086
IS THERE AN ENTOMOLOGIST
IN THE HOUSE?

77
00:03:09,155 --> 00:03:11,523
COME ON, Y'ALL,
HELP A BROTHER OUT.

78
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:15,861
ANYHOO...

79
00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:18,130
I THINK IT'S TIME
FOR ME TO GO NOW.

80
00:03:18,198 --> 00:03:19,565
I'LL GO WITH YOU.
BYE.

81
00:03:19,632 --> 00:03:20,866
BYE.

82
00:03:20,934 --> 00:03:22,845
LOOK, MOM, DAD, DON'T FORGET
ABOUT SATURDAY.

83
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:23,902
WE WON'T.
GOOD.

84
00:03:23,970 --> 00:03:25,181
WHAT'S SATURDAY?
I DON'T KNOW.

85
00:03:25,205 --> 00:03:27,973
JUNIOR!
WHAT'S SATURDAY?

86
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,752
OH, THAT'S THE DAY OF
GRANDPARENTS' CHILD-CARE CLASS.

87
00:03:29,776 --> 00:03:31,387
ME AND VANESSA DON'T HAVE TO GO,
BUT YOU GUYS DO.

88
00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:33,512
WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO?
WE RAISED THREE CHILDREN.

89
00:03:33,580 --> 00:03:35,861
SO, WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, IF
MICHAEL KYLE III ENDS UP

90
00:03:35,915 --> 00:03:38,350
LIKE MICHAEL KYLE JR., YOU'RE
GOING TO BE FINE WITH THAT?

91
00:03:38,418 --> 00:03:39,651
WE'LL BE THERE EARLY.

92
00:03:39,719 --> 00:03:42,321
I THINK YOU'LL LIKE IT.
IT'S NEW-SCHOOL THINKING.

93
00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:44,667
MRS. LANE IS UP ON ALL THE
LATEST PSYCHOLOGICAL THEORIES.

94
00:03:44,691 --> 00:03:45,968
IT'S REALLY
QUITE INTERESTING.

95
00:03:45,992 --> 00:03:48,760
LOOK, I DON'T NEED NO
FANCY-SCHMANCY THEORIES

96
00:03:48,828 --> 00:03:50,295
ON HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN.

97
00:03:50,363 --> 00:03:52,474
MR. KYLE, THERE'S A LOT OF
NEW INFORMATION

98
00:03:52,498 --> 00:03:54,066
IN THE WORLD
OF CHILD-REARING.

99
00:03:54,133 --> 00:03:57,903
AHHHHHHHHH, PHOOEY!

100
00:03:57,971 --> 00:04:00,672
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY
TO RAISE A CHILD,

101
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:02,574
AND THAT'S WITH SPANKINGS.

102
00:04:02,642 --> 00:04:04,543
THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT
"REARING."

103
00:04:04,611 --> 00:04:06,311
[ Chuckling ] GET IT?
"REARING"?

104
00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:07,779
[ LAUGHS ]

105
00:04:07,847 --> 00:04:11,683
AS IF THE REAR END
OF A CHILD...

106
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:14,920
ARE THERE ANY ENTOMOLOGISTS
IN THE HOUSE?

107
00:04:14,988 --> 00:04:17,923
COME ON, Y'ALL,
HELP A BROTHER OUT.

108
00:04:17,991 --> 00:04:21,059
LOOK, YOU CAN'T SPANK A CHILD
FOR EVERYTHING.

109
00:04:21,127 --> 00:04:23,495
WHY NOT? MY FATHER SPANKED ME
FOR EVERYTHING.

110
00:04:23,563 --> 00:04:24,863
MY FATHER WOULD SPANK ME

111
00:04:24,931 --> 00:04:27,165
FOR ANSWERING QUESTIONS
THAT HE ASKED ME.

112
00:04:27,233 --> 00:04:31,069
WHAT?
THAT'S CRAZY.

113
00:04:31,137 --> 00:04:32,304
BUT THAT WAS MY FATHER.

114
00:04:32,372 --> 00:04:33,882
OKAY, WELL,
YOU KNOW WHAT?

115
00:04:33,906 --> 00:04:35,674
"HOW YOU DOIN', SON?"
"I'M GOOD."

116
00:04:35,742 --> 00:04:37,976
"DON'T SAY 'GOOD'
ANYMORE!"

117
00:04:38,044 --> 00:04:40,245
"GO TO YOUR ROOM."
"OKAY."

118
00:04:40,313 --> 00:04:43,015
"DON'T SAY 'OKAY.'"

119
00:04:43,082 --> 00:04:44,383
YOU KNOW WHAT?

120
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:46,028
I THINK IT'S A GREAT IDEA,
VANESSA.

121
00:04:46,052 --> 00:04:47,396
NOW, ARE YOUR PARENTS
GOING?

122
00:04:47,420 --> 00:04:48,831
THEY'RE BOTH EXCITED
ABOUT IT.

123
00:04:48,855 --> 00:04:50,355
YEAH, WELL,
I'M NOT GOING.

124
00:04:50,423 --> 00:04:53,625
I DON'T NEED TO GO BECAUSE ALL
OF MY CHILDREN TURNED OUT FINE.

125
00:04:56,963 --> 00:05:00,999
[ Chuckling ] WHOA,
THAT GRAVITY'S CRAZY, Y'ALL.

126
00:05:01,067 --> 00:05:02,067
WHOO!

127
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,468
TWO OUT OF THREE.

128
00:05:03,536 --> 00:05:05,671
HEY, MOM, HAVE YOU SEEN MY...
OOH!

129
00:05:09,075 --> 00:05:12,477
[ Panting ] WHOA, THAT
GRAVITY'S CRAZY, Y'ALL.

130
00:05:14,514 --> 00:05:15,447
WHAT TIME'S THAT CLASS?

131
00:05:15,515 --> 00:05:17,316
UH-HUH.

132
00:05:20,953 --> 00:05:22,954
OH, THESE PEOPLE
ARE OLD IN HERE.

133
00:05:23,022 --> 00:05:25,457
OH, COME ON, MICHAEL,
THEY'RE NOT THAT OLD.

134
00:05:25,525 --> 00:05:29,161
AAAAHH! AHH!

135
00:05:29,228 --> 00:05:31,296
CLEAR!

136
00:05:31,364 --> 00:05:32,497
AHH!

137
00:05:32,565 --> 00:05:34,266
I'M GOOD, I'M GOOD,
I'M GOOD.

138
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,836
HE'S GOOD, HE'S GOOD,
HE'S GOOD.

139
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:39,671
[ Singsong voice ]
WELCOME, GRANDPARENTS.

140
00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:40,939
[ CHUCKLES ]

141
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:43,375
THE PURPOSE OF THIS CLASS
IS TO FAMILIARIZE YOU

142
00:05:43,443 --> 00:05:45,310
WITH THE LATEST
CHILD-CARE METHODS,

143
00:05:45,378 --> 00:05:48,146
AND WHEN YOU'RE DONE, YOU WILL
RECEIVE THIS CERTIFICATE

144
00:05:48,214 --> 00:05:51,016
MAKING YOU
A CERTIFIED GRANDPARENT.

145
00:05:51,084 --> 00:05:53,318
OKAY, NOW, THE ROLE
OF THE GRANDPARENT

146
00:05:53,386 --> 00:05:56,088
HAS CHANGED SIGNIFICANTLY
IN THE LAST FEW YEARS.

147
00:05:56,155 --> 00:05:58,156
FOR INSTANCE,
IT IS NO LONGER BELIEVED

148
00:05:58,224 --> 00:06:00,525
THAT CORPORAL PUNISHMENT
IS AN EFFECTIVE WAY

149
00:06:00,593 --> 00:06:01,927
OF DISCIPLINING THE CHILD.

150
00:06:01,994 --> 00:06:03,128
HA!

151
00:06:03,196 --> 00:06:05,140
OH, YOU HAVE A DIFFERENT VIEW,
MR. KYLE?

152
00:06:05,164 --> 00:06:07,132
YEAH, WELL,
I'M A LITTLE OLD-FASHIONED.

153
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:10,035
I STILL BELIEVE THAT YOU SPARE
THE ROD, YOU SPOIL THE CHILD.

154
00:06:10,103 --> 00:06:11,780
THAT'S RIGHT THERE
IN THE BIBLE.

155
00:06:11,804 --> 00:06:15,340
WELL, A LOT HAS CHANGED SINCE
BIBLICAL TIMES, MR. KYLE.

156
00:06:15,408 --> 00:06:18,477
WE HAVE AUTOMOBILES
INSTEAD OF OXEN. [ LAUGHS ]

157
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:20,689
YEAH, BUT WE STILL HAVE
THE SAME AMOUNT OF ASSES.

158
00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:22,280
[ LAUGHTER ]

159
00:06:22,348 --> 00:06:24,983
AND NOW WE COME TO
THE CRYING BABY.

160
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:27,786
BOO-HOO, WHAT YOU GONNA DO?
[ LAUGHS ]

161
00:06:27,854 --> 00:06:29,921
WELL, THE CURRENT,
MODERN-DAY THINKING

162
00:06:29,989 --> 00:06:32,958
INCLUDES A VARIED METHODOLOGY,
INCLUDING THE FOUR "S's"...

163
00:06:33,025 --> 00:06:35,327
THERE'S SWADDLING...

164
00:06:35,395 --> 00:06:36,762
HA!

165
00:06:36,829 --> 00:06:38,730
...SIDE-STOMACH POSITION...

166
00:06:38,798 --> 00:06:39,698
HA!

167
00:06:39,766 --> 00:06:41,600
...SWINGING...

168
00:06:41,667 --> 00:06:43,268
HA!

169
00:06:43,336 --> 00:06:46,138
...AND SHUSHING!

170
00:06:46,205 --> 00:06:48,273
HA.

171
00:06:48,341 --> 00:06:49,274
[ SIGHS ]

172
00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:51,176
MRS. LANE, LISTEN...

173
00:06:51,244 --> 00:06:53,178
NOW WHAT,
MR. KYLE, NOW WHAT?

174
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:55,814
I HAPPEN TO HAVE
THE ONLY FOOLPROOF METHOD

175
00:06:55,882 --> 00:06:57,449
OF STOPPING A CRYING BABY.

176
00:06:57,517 --> 00:06:59,050
HE ACTUALLY REALLY DOES.

177
00:06:59,118 --> 00:07:00,696
THEN WHY DON'T YOU SHARE IT
WITH THE REST OF THE CLASS?

178
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,187
NO CAN DO.

179
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,855
IT'S AN
ANCIENT FAMILY SECRET,

180
00:07:03,923 --> 00:07:05,524
AND I'D HAVE TO
KILL YOU FIRST.

181
00:07:05,591 --> 00:07:06,725
[ LAUGHTER ]

182
00:07:06,793 --> 00:07:08,760
WELL, THEN, WHY DON'T
I JUST CONTINUE

183
00:07:08,828 --> 00:07:10,896
WITH THE NEWER,
PROVEN TECHNIQUES,

184
00:07:10,963 --> 00:07:12,230
SUCH AS AROMATHERAPY?

185
00:07:12,298 --> 00:07:14,199
[ INHALES DEEPLY,
EXHALES DEEPLY ]

186
00:07:14,267 --> 00:07:15,267
YEAH, YEAH.

187
00:07:15,334 --> 00:07:18,904
NATURAL-LIGHT IMMERSION.
AH, AH, AH.

188
00:07:18,971 --> 00:07:21,506
AND THE MILKING BRASSIERE.

189
00:07:21,574 --> 00:07:23,275
THE MILKING BRASSIERE?

190
00:07:23,342 --> 00:07:25,777
WHAT KIND OF...
...FOOLISHNESS?

191
00:07:25,845 --> 00:07:27,446
MR. KYLE,
DO YOU MIND COMING UP

192
00:07:27,513 --> 00:07:29,347
AND DEMONSTRATING IT
FOR THE CLASS?

193
00:07:29,415 --> 00:07:31,183
I UTTERLY DO MIND.
[udderly]

194
00:07:31,250 --> 00:07:32,851
[ LAUGHTER ]

195
00:07:32,919 --> 00:07:37,322
WHAT KIND OF BOOB
DO YOU THINK I AM?

196
00:07:37,390 --> 00:07:38,824
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

197
00:07:38,891 --> 00:07:41,326
[ CHUCKLES ]
I KIND OF LIKE IT.

198
00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:43,562
THEY FEEL FUNNY.

199
00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:45,096
[ LAUGHS ]

200
00:07:45,164 --> 00:07:48,867
WHOO! HEY!
[ LAUGHS ]

201
00:07:48,935 --> 00:07:50,135
GOT HIM IN THE EYE!

202
00:07:50,203 --> 00:07:53,004
WATCH WHERE YOU'RE SQUIRTING
THAT THING, HUH!

203
00:07:53,072 --> 00:07:54,372
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

204
00:07:54,440 --> 00:07:57,609
STOP IT, GENTLEMEN!
GENTLEMEN, STOP IT!

205
00:07:57,677 --> 00:08:01,780
THE BREAST IS NOT A TOY!
THE BREAST IS NOT A TOY!

206
00:08:01,848 --> 00:08:04,015
AAAH!

207
00:08:04,083 --> 00:08:06,084
STOP IT!
STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU!

208
00:08:06,152 --> 00:08:07,152
AAAAAHH!

209
00:08:07,186 --> 00:08:09,788
GOT MILK, BABY!

210
00:08:09,856 --> 00:08:12,657
AND NOW, IT'S TIME
FOR GRANDPA DIAPERING.

211
00:08:12,725 --> 00:08:13,658
ME FIRST!

212
00:08:13,726 --> 00:08:14,970
OH, NO, NO, DEAR.
NOT YOU.

213
00:08:14,994 --> 00:08:17,395
I JUST CHANGED YOU
BEFORE WE LEFT THE HOUSE.

214
00:08:17,463 --> 00:08:19,097
OH, I'M GOOD,
I'M GOOD.

215
00:08:19,165 --> 00:08:21,833
HE'S GOOD, HE'S GOOD.
THANK GOD, HE'S GOOD.

216
00:08:21,901 --> 00:08:25,871
WOW, THESE DIAPERS
ARE KIND OF FULL.

217
00:08:25,938 --> 00:08:27,005
HMM.

218
00:08:28,474 --> 00:08:29,941
THAT'S CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

219
00:08:30,009 --> 00:08:32,110
WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU,
THAT'S RIGHT.

220
00:08:32,178 --> 00:08:34,746
NOW, I WANT YOU TO REMOVE
THE DIRTY DIAPER,

221
00:08:34,814 --> 00:08:37,315
CLEAN THE BABY,
AND PUT A FRESH DIAPER ON.

222
00:08:37,383 --> 00:08:38,760
I'VE BEEN CHANGING DIAPERS
FOR YEARS.

223
00:08:38,784 --> 00:08:39,895
I'M GOING TO BE
GOOD AT THIS.

224
00:08:39,919 --> 00:08:40,986
I'M GOING TO WIN.

225
00:08:41,053 --> 00:08:42,097
THERE'S NO WAY YOU'RE
GOING TO BEAT ME.

226
00:08:42,121 --> 00:08:43,232
I BET YOU I DO.
I BET YOU WON'T.

227
00:08:43,256 --> 00:08:45,323
OH, GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN,
LISTEN TO ME.

228
00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:47,759
OH, STOP IT NOW.
THIS IS NOT A COMPETITION.

229
00:08:47,827 --> 00:08:49,060
AND GO!

230
00:08:49,128 --> 00:08:50,262
OKAY.

231
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:55,534
YEAH, SEE?
GOT THAT OFF RIGHT THERE.

232
00:08:55,601 --> 00:08:56,668
NOW GET...

233
00:08:56,736 --> 00:08:59,104
GIVE ME THE POWDER!
GIVE ME THE POWDER!

234
00:09:03,442 --> 00:09:05,977
NO, NO, YOU WON'T.
NO, YOU WON'T!

235
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:08,747
TEACH, HE'S CHEATING!
HE'S CHEATING!

236
00:09:08,814 --> 00:09:10,682
HELP, HELP!

237
00:09:10,750 --> 00:09:12,484
HEY, HEY!

238
00:09:12,552 --> 00:09:14,819
I WIN! I WIN!

239
00:09:14,887 --> 00:09:16,687
I THOUGHT THIS
WASN'T A CONTEST.

240
00:09:16,722 --> 00:09:18,290
I LIED.
HERE'S A TROPHY.

241
00:09:18,357 --> 00:09:19,624
WHOO!

242
00:09:19,692 --> 00:09:23,261
YES, INDEEDY, HE'S A BETTER
GRANDPAPA THAN YOU.

243
00:09:23,329 --> 00:09:24,696
HOW CAN HE WIN?

244
00:09:24,764 --> 00:09:27,165
HE SPIKED THE BABY, AND HE
LICKED ALL THE PUDDING OFF!

245
00:09:27,233 --> 00:09:29,334
WELL, WE LIKE TO
ENCOURAGE ENTHUSIASM.

246
00:09:29,402 --> 00:09:30,802
HE'S DONE A WONDERFUL JOB.

247
00:09:30,870 --> 00:09:33,204
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
ISN'T THIS RIDICULOUS?

248
00:09:33,272 --> 00:09:35,083
YOU'VE BEEN SAYING THIS
ALL AFTERNOON, MR. KYLE.

249
00:09:35,107 --> 00:09:36,785
THAT'S BECAUSE IT'S BEEN TRUE
ALL AFTERNOON.

250
00:09:36,809 --> 00:09:40,845
MICHAEL, WILL YOU STOP IT?
YOU ARE EMBARRASSING ME.

251
00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:42,814
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M AFRAID TO SAY THIS.

252
00:09:42,882 --> 00:09:44,182
I HAVE TO SAY THIS.

253
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:46,261
YOU ARE THE FIRST PERSON EVER
TO FAIL THIS CLASS.

254
00:09:46,285 --> 00:09:48,486
YOU WILL NOT, SIR,
BE RECEIVING A CERTIFICATE.

255
00:09:48,554 --> 00:09:51,189
SO WHAT? I DON'T CARE ABOUT
YOUR STUPID CERTIFICATE.

256
00:09:51,257 --> 00:09:53,035
I WON THIS BEST GRANDFATHER
TROPHY!

257
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:55,393
I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT,
EITHER. YOU KNOW WHAT?

258
00:09:55,461 --> 00:09:57,729
YOU COULDN'T PAY ME TO TAKE
A STUPID CERTIFICATE

259
00:09:57,797 --> 00:09:58,930
OR ONE OF THOSE...

260
00:09:59,865 --> 00:10:01,666
THAT IS A NICE TROPHY,
BUT STILL,

261
00:10:01,734 --> 00:10:03,501
YOU COULDN'T PAY ME
TO TAKE ONE.

262
00:10:03,569 --> 00:10:04,603
FINE.

263
00:10:04,670 --> 00:10:06,771
NO, FINE, FINE.

264
00:10:06,839 --> 00:10:10,375
MICHAEL, THE KIDS ARE NOT GONNA
BE HAPPY ABOUT THIS.

265
00:10:10,443 --> 00:10:12,911
OH, IT'S JUST
A PIECE OF PAPER, JAY.

266
00:10:12,979 --> 00:10:15,380
NOBODY'S GONNA
CARE ABOUT THAT.

267
00:10:17,450 --> 00:10:18,860
HEY, WHERE ARE YOU
TWO HEADED?

268
00:10:18,884 --> 00:10:20,244
OH, WE'RE GOING TO
THE MOVIES.

269
00:10:20,286 --> 00:10:22,097
WITH THE BABY?
WHAT IF HE STARTS CRYING?

270
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,199
ACTUALLY, WE'RE GONNA DROP HIM
OFF AT MY PARENTS' HOUSE.

271
00:10:24,223 --> 00:10:25,490
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

272
00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:27,035
YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRIVE
ALL THE WAY OVER THERE.

273
00:10:27,059 --> 00:10:29,137
JUST LEAVE HIM HERE WITH
ME. I'LL WATCH HIM. MNH-MNH.

274
00:10:29,161 --> 00:10:30,261
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
MNH-MNH.

275
00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:31,440
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME
THE BABY?

276
00:10:31,464 --> 00:10:34,699
YOU'RE MAKING
THE BABY DIZZY.

277
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:35,800
NO, WE CAN'T DO THAT.

278
00:10:35,868 --> 00:10:37,335
WHY NOT?

279
00:10:37,403 --> 00:10:39,715
WELL, BECAUSE MOM IS AT CLASS,
AND THAT JUST LEAVES YOU HERE,

280
00:10:39,739 --> 00:10:42,040
AND YOU'RE NOT...

281
00:10:42,108 --> 00:10:43,908
I'M NOT WHAT?
WHAT'S ALL THAT?

282
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:45,076
MMM.

283
00:10:45,144 --> 00:10:47,712
WHAT?

284
00:10:47,780 --> 00:10:50,615
YOU'RE NOT CERTIFIED,
DAD.

285
00:10:50,683 --> 00:10:52,517
MMM.

286
00:10:52,585 --> 00:10:55,820
COME ON. HE TRIED TO PUT HIS
UNCERTIFIED HANDS ON YOU.

287
00:10:57,556 --> 00:10:58,657
MMM.

288
00:11:01,894 --> 00:11:03,928
MMM!

289
00:11:09,101 --> 00:11:10,135
HEY, EVERYBODY.

290
00:11:10,202 --> 00:11:12,137
HELLO, MR. KYLE.
HI, DADDY.

291
00:11:12,204 --> 00:11:13,238
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

292
00:11:13,305 --> 00:11:15,106
WE'RE GOING TO A PICNIC
AT THE PARK.

293
00:11:15,174 --> 00:11:16,574
OOH, GOODY!
I LOVE PICNICS.

294
00:11:16,642 --> 00:11:18,677
DID YOU PACK THOSE
LITTLE PICKLES I LIKE?

295
00:11:18,744 --> 00:11:20,211
NO, I DIDN'T PACK THOSE.

296
00:11:20,279 --> 00:11:22,357
WELL, WHAT'S A PICNIC WITHOUT
THE BABY GHERKINS?

297
00:11:22,381 --> 00:11:23,682
THOSE LITTLE...

298
00:11:23,749 --> 00:11:26,584
UM... I DIDN'T PACK THEM,
MICHAEL, 'CAUSE YOU'RE...

299
00:11:26,652 --> 00:11:28,453
YOU CAN'T COME.

300
00:11:28,521 --> 00:11:30,499
NO, YEAH, NO, YOU CAN'T...
MNH-MNH, YOU CAN'T COME.

301
00:11:30,523 --> 00:11:31,700
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
I CAN'T COME?

302
00:11:31,724 --> 00:11:33,158
NO, BABY, THIS IS A PICNIC

303
00:11:33,225 --> 00:11:35,694
FOR THE GRADUATES OF
THE CHILD-CARE CENTER,

304
00:11:35,761 --> 00:11:38,430
AND YOU'RE, YOU KNOW,
YOU DIDN'T GRADUATE, SO...

305
00:11:38,497 --> 00:11:41,132
OH, PLEASE!

306
00:11:41,200 --> 00:11:43,068
COME ON, KADY, HELP MOMMY
PACK THE CAR.

307
00:11:43,135 --> 00:11:45,403
[ Singsong voice ]
WE'RE GOING ON A PICNIC.

308
00:11:45,471 --> 00:11:47,149
COME ON, FRANKLIN,
HELP US.

309
00:11:47,173 --> 00:11:49,474
I WOULD, BUT I CAN'T RISK
INJURING MY HANDS.

310
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:50,875
YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU?

311
00:11:50,943 --> 00:11:52,110
OF COURSE I UNDERSTAND.

312
00:11:52,178 --> 00:11:54,145
I KNOW HOW VALUABLE
YOUR HANDS ARE.

313
00:11:54,213 --> 00:11:56,181
OW!

314
00:11:56,248 --> 00:11:59,918
SHE'S SO CLEVER!

315
00:11:59,985 --> 00:12:02,854
YOU'RE SO WHIPPED.
[ CHUCKLES ]

316
00:12:02,922 --> 00:12:06,191
LOOK, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS,
FRANKLIN.

317
00:12:06,258 --> 00:12:08,026
THIS WAS JUST
A 3-HOUR CLASS.

318
00:12:08,094 --> 00:12:10,995
A 3-HOUR CLASS CAN'T MAKE YOU
A GRADUATE OF ANYTHING.

319
00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:13,164
I BEG TO DIFFER
WITH YOU, MR. KYLE.

320
00:12:13,232 --> 00:12:15,433
I RECEIVED MY DOCTORATE
IN ASTROPHYSICS

321
00:12:15,501 --> 00:12:17,135
IN 2 HOURS
AND 11 SECONDS,

322
00:12:17,203 --> 00:12:20,939
AND I LEFT WATCHING
THOSE MORONS FROM YALE

323
00:12:21,006 --> 00:12:23,007
SQUIRM IN THEIR SEATS.

324
00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:25,243
MAN, THAT WAS A GOOD DAY.

325
00:12:25,311 --> 00:12:28,179
WELL, FRANKLIN, THIS WASN'T
ANYTHING LIKE THIS.

326
00:12:28,247 --> 00:12:30,815
THIS WAS SOME CRAZY KOOK
TRYING TO CHANGE

327
00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:33,017
GOOD, OLD-FASHIONED
CHILD-REARING

328
00:12:33,085 --> 00:12:35,086
WITH SOME
NEWFANGLED NONSENSE.

329
00:12:35,154 --> 00:12:36,387
LIKE WHAT?

330
00:12:36,455 --> 00:12:40,158
SOME JUNK CALLED LIGHT-IMMERSION
THERAPY, FOR ONE.

331
00:12:40,226 --> 00:12:43,228
AH, YES.
I REMEMBER THOSE DAYS WELL.

332
00:12:43,295 --> 00:12:46,931
[ Sighing ] IT SEEMS LIKE
IT WAS JUST YESTERDAY

333
00:12:46,999 --> 00:12:50,301
THAT I LAY NUDE
IN MY INCUBATION CHAMBER,

334
00:12:50,369 --> 00:12:52,003
FRESHLY CIRCUMCISED,

335
00:12:52,071 --> 00:12:56,741
WHILE BEING BATHED IN THE VARIED
LIGHTS OF THE COLOR SPECTRUM.

336
00:12:56,809 --> 00:12:59,110
IT WAS DELICIOUS.

337
00:13:04,650 --> 00:13:06,951
SOUNDS VERY WEIRD TO ME.

338
00:13:07,019 --> 00:13:09,587
WELL, THAT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE
STUCK IN THE PAST, MR. KYLE.

339
00:13:09,655 --> 00:13:11,656
LOOK, SPANKINGS GO BACK
TO BIBLICAL TIMES.

340
00:13:11,724 --> 00:13:14,192
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED THAT
YOUR ANTIQUATED VIEWS

341
00:13:14,260 --> 00:13:16,594
REGARDING CHILD-REARING
ARE TOUCHED TO INTREPIDATION

342
00:13:16,662 --> 00:13:18,306
WHEN VENTURING
INTO THE UNKNOWN?

343
00:13:18,330 --> 00:13:20,331
IT IS EASIER TO HOLD ON
TO THE FAMILIAR

344
00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:22,267
RATHER THAN
EMBRACE THE VULNERABILITY

345
00:13:22,334 --> 00:13:25,170
THAT ONE EXPERIENCES WHEN
LAUNCHING TOWARDS SOMETHING NEW.

346
00:13:25,237 --> 00:13:26,371
AH, PHOOEY.

347
00:13:26,438 --> 00:13:27,783
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT YOU JUST SAID,

348
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,251
BUT I'M SURE
IT DESERVES A SPANKING.

349
00:13:29,275 --> 00:13:31,543
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
SPANKING'S COUNTERPRODUCTIVE.

350
00:13:31,610 --> 00:13:32,877
WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IT?

351
00:13:32,945 --> 00:13:34,712
WELL, I KNOW I'VE GOT
MY CERTIFICATE.

352
00:13:34,780 --> 00:13:35,847
[ CHUCKLES ]

353
00:13:35,915 --> 00:13:37,882
AND I THINK UNTIL YOU
GET YOUR CERTIFICATE,

354
00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:39,710
YOU BEST STAY AWAY
FROM MY GRANDCHILD.

355
00:13:39,752 --> 00:13:41,463
I WOULDN'T WANT ANY ACCIDENTS
TO HAPPEN.

356
00:13:41,487 --> 00:13:42,487
WHAT, TO THE BABY?

357
00:13:42,555 --> 00:13:44,722
NO, TO YOU...
IF YOU HURT THAT BABY.

358
00:13:44,790 --> 00:13:46,568
I'M NOT GOING TO
HURT THE BABY.

359
00:13:46,592 --> 00:13:47,725
NO, BUT...

360
00:13:47,793 --> 00:13:49,961
YOU BABY-SCHOOL DROPOUT.

361
00:13:51,297 --> 00:13:54,132
HMPH.

362
00:13:56,368 --> 00:13:58,236
BABY, DID A GOOD JOB,
DIDN'T YOU?

363
00:13:58,304 --> 00:14:00,572
DIDN'T YOU?
I DID A LITTLE GOOD JOB, TOO.

364
00:14:00,639 --> 00:14:02,407
I GET A LITTLE SNACK.
[ LAUGHS ]

365
00:14:02,474 --> 00:14:05,210
MMM, THAT'S DELICIOUS.
ONE FOR YOU, AND ONE FOR ME.

366
00:14:05,277 --> 00:14:07,212
[ Chuckling ]
THAT IS SO GOOD. MMM.

367
00:14:07,279 --> 00:14:09,491
YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE NONE
TO PUT IN YOUR DIAPER SOON.

368
00:14:09,515 --> 00:14:10,992
I'M GOING TO EAT
THIS WHOLE THING.

369
00:14:11,016 --> 00:14:12,350
TASTES GOOD GOING DOWN.

370
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:13,318
HI, MRS. LANE.

371
00:14:13,385 --> 00:14:17,121
OH, HELLO, MR. KYLE.
[ LAUGHS ]

372
00:14:17,189 --> 00:14:18,533
COME ON IN.
HOW ARE YOU?

373
00:14:18,557 --> 00:14:19,657
I'M DOING GREAT.

374
00:14:19,725 --> 00:14:21,125
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

375
00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:25,263
WELL, BEFORE I GET DOWN TO
BUSINESS, I JUST WANT TO KNOW,

376
00:14:25,331 --> 00:14:28,499
HAS ANYONE TOLD YOU WHAT
A BEAUTIFUL, SEXY,

377
00:14:28,567 --> 00:14:30,268
DAMN-NEAR PERFECT...

378
00:14:30,336 --> 00:14:32,170
[ CHUCKLES ]

379
00:14:32,238 --> 00:14:36,241
...SCULPTURED WOMAN
THAT YOU ARE?

380
00:14:36,308 --> 00:14:37,809
OH, REALLY?

381
00:14:37,877 --> 00:14:41,079
IT'S AS IF YOU WERE IN
THE LIGHT-IMMERSION THERAPY

382
00:14:41,146 --> 00:14:42,146
ALL DAY LONG.

383
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:44,148
WHOO.
YOU JUST GLOW.

384
00:14:44,216 --> 00:14:46,027
OKAY, WHAT THE HELL
DO YOU WANT?

385
00:14:46,051 --> 00:14:47,452
OH.

386
00:14:47,519 --> 00:14:50,421
WELL, I WAS JUST KIND OF
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD, YOU KNOW?

387
00:14:50,489 --> 00:14:53,324
AND I WAS JUST KIND OF WONDERING
IF MAYBE YOU COULD...

388
00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:55,026
MAYBE YOU COULD
JUST TOSS ME

389
00:14:55,094 --> 00:14:58,062
ONE OF THEM LITTLE CERTIFICATES
THAT YOU GOT AROUND HERE.

390
00:14:58,130 --> 00:15:00,331
I CAN'T TOSS YOU
ONE OF THOSE CERTIFICATES

391
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:02,310
UNLESS YOU RETAKE THE CLASS
AND PASS.

392
00:15:02,334 --> 00:15:04,579
OKAY, FINE, WHEN'S THE
NEXT CLASS? NEXT MONTH.

393
00:15:04,603 --> 00:15:07,472
I CAN'T BE WITHOUT MY GRANDCHILD
FOR A WHOLE MONTH.

394
00:15:07,539 --> 00:15:10,942
NOBODY WILL LET ME NEAR THE BABY
UNLESS I HAVE A CERTIFICATE.

395
00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:13,745
THEY SHOULDN'T.
YOU'RE NOT CERTIFIED.

396
00:15:13,812 --> 00:15:14,879
MMM.

397
00:15:17,049 --> 00:15:18,927
LOOK, CAN'T WE REACH
SOME SORT OF COMPROMISE?

398
00:15:18,951 --> 00:15:20,562
WELL, I DON'T KNOW
WHAT THAT WOULD BE.

399
00:15:20,586 --> 00:15:22,120
I DON'T KNOW.

400
00:15:22,187 --> 00:15:24,923
SUPPOSE I WAS TO
PICK UP THE BABY

401
00:15:24,990 --> 00:15:27,792
AND JUST SHAKE HIM
A LITTLE AND...

402
00:15:27,860 --> 00:15:29,494
WHOA, LOOK AT THAT...

403
00:15:29,561 --> 00:15:32,697
$100 BILL FELL RIGHT OUT
OF HIS DIAPER.

404
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,433
MR. KYLE, ARE YOU TRYING
TO BRIBE ME?

405
00:15:35,501 --> 00:15:39,504
WELL, I'M NOT TRYING TO BRIBE
YOU, BUT LET ME ASK THE BABY.

406
00:15:39,571 --> 00:15:42,006
LET ME SHAKE HIM AND SEE...
WHOA!

407
00:15:42,074 --> 00:15:45,209
LOOK AT THAT!
HERE, THE BABY JUST GOT ASSETS.

408
00:15:45,277 --> 00:15:48,680
IT'S JUST SOME BOOTY TREASURE...
FULL OF BOOTY TREASURE.

409
00:15:48,747 --> 00:15:50,091
LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING...

410
00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:52,060
IT WOULD BE IRRESPONSIBLE OF ME
TO TAKE THAT MONEY

411
00:15:52,084 --> 00:15:54,029
TO SAY THAT YOU PASSED A COURSE
THAT YOU DIDN'T.

412
00:15:54,053 --> 00:15:56,587
LOOK, I'M SORRY
ABOUT THE CLASS, ALL RIGHT?

413
00:15:56,655 --> 00:16:00,191
BUT I JUST DON'T NEED ANYONE TO
TELL ME HOW TO RAISE CHILDREN.

414
00:16:00,259 --> 00:16:02,961
I RAISED THREE OF MY OWN,
AND THEY TURNED OUT FINE.

415
00:16:04,363 --> 00:16:07,265
I HAVE TWO WORDS FOR YOU...
JUN..IOR.

416
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:17,141
JUNIOR, TOKAY, OKAY.ATHERAPY
HERE YOU GO, BOY.

417
00:16:17,209 --> 00:16:19,510
SMELL THE SWEET AROMA
OF MIDNIGHT DEW.

418
00:16:20,713 --> 00:16:22,847
WHAT'S NEXT ON THE LIST?
LIGHT IMMERSION.

419
00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:24,015
OKAY, LET'S TRY THAT.

420
00:16:24,083 --> 00:16:25,260
LICENSE AND REGISTRATION,
PLEASE.

421
00:16:25,284 --> 00:16:27,852
BOY, GET THE LIGHT OUT
THE BABY'S FACE!

422
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:31,089
AND WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT
TUPAC WAS SHOT, HMM?

423
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:34,092
IF YOU DON'T GET THAT LIGHT
OUT OF MY FACE,

424
00:16:34,159 --> 00:16:35,693
I'M GOING TO KICK YOU.

425
00:16:35,761 --> 00:16:37,672
YOU KNOW, THE SOOTHING SOUNDS
OF MOZART

426
00:16:37,696 --> 00:16:39,664
HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO CALM
THE SAVAGE BEAST.

427
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:40,798
MAYBE IT CAN HELP HERE.

428
00:16:40,866 --> 00:16:42,310
OH, GIVE IT A TRY,
FRANKLIN.

429
00:16:42,334 --> 00:16:43,735
NOTHING ELSE
SEEMS TO WORK.

430
00:16:43,802 --> 00:16:46,604
[ MOZART'S PIANO SONATA
IN "A" PLAYS ]

431
00:16:50,642 --> 00:16:51,987
HE DOESN'T
SEEM TO LIKE IT.

432
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,746
EVERYONE'S A CRITIC!

433
00:16:57,249 --> 00:16:59,083
OKAY, GUYS,
WE HAVE A PROBLEM.

434
00:16:59,151 --> 00:17:00,518
WE HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING,

435
00:17:00,586 --> 00:17:02,987
AND NOTHING WILL STOP
THE BABY FROM CRYING.

436
00:17:03,055 --> 00:17:04,188
OH, I HAVE AN IDEA.

437
00:17:04,256 --> 00:17:06,257
WHY DON'T WE TRY
TO OUT-NOISE THE BABY?

438
00:17:06,325 --> 00:17:07,625
OKAY.
OKAY. OKAY.

439
00:17:07,693 --> 00:17:08,760
COME ON, EVERYBODY.

440
00:17:08,827 --> 00:17:13,064
[ ALL SCREAMING ]

441
00:17:20,606 --> 00:17:22,507
HEY, BOY, SHUT UP!

442
00:17:22,574 --> 00:17:26,577
WELL, WELL, WELL,
WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE?

443
00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:29,580
DO THE TRICK!
DO THE TRICK!

444
00:17:29,648 --> 00:17:31,526
I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU GUYS
ARE TALKING ABOUT.

445
00:17:31,550 --> 00:17:33,828
MICHAEL, THE BABY HAS BEEN
CRYING FOR TWO WHOLE HOURS NOW.

446
00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:36,354
YOU GOT TO TURN HIM OFF,
PLEASE!

447
00:17:36,422 --> 00:17:38,233
DAD, LOOK, WE'VE TRIED
EVERYTHING ON THE LIST.

448
00:17:38,257 --> 00:17:40,191
HELP US, MR. KYLE,
HELP US.

449
00:17:40,259 --> 00:17:42,160
PLEASE MAKE HIM
STOP, DADDY!

450
00:17:42,227 --> 00:17:47,298
WELL, I WOULD LOVE TO HELP
YOU GUYS OUT, BUT... I CAN'T.

451
00:17:47,366 --> 00:17:48,399
WHY NOT?

452
00:17:48,467 --> 00:17:50,768
I'M NOT CERTIFIED.

453
00:17:52,805 --> 00:17:53,871
MMM.

454
00:17:55,841 --> 00:17:57,452
COME ON, MICHAEL,
STOP PLAYING.

455
00:17:57,476 --> 00:17:58,910
WE CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

456
00:17:58,977 --> 00:18:01,913
LOOK, HAVE YOU TRIED
SHOWING HIM YOUR CERTIFICATE?

457
00:18:01,980 --> 00:18:04,849
MAYBE THE BABY DOESN'T KNOW
THAT ALL THESE THINGS

458
00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:07,852
THAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING
HAVE BEEN TRIED BY EXPERTS.

459
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:09,264
OKAY, STOP.
WE GET IT.

460
00:18:09,288 --> 00:18:11,856
YOU PROVED YOUR POINT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. WE'RE WRONG.

461
00:18:11,924 --> 00:18:15,426
WELL, I HAVEN'T HEARD AN APOLOGY
YET, SO I'LL JUST BE UPSTAIRS...

462
00:18:15,494 --> 00:18:17,061
WE'RE SORRY!
WE'RE SORRY!

463
00:18:17,129 --> 00:18:18,729
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

464
00:18:18,797 --> 00:18:21,666
AN APOLOGY
IS REALLY NOT AN APOLOGY

465
00:18:21,733 --> 00:18:24,769
UNTIL SOMEONE
IS DOWN ON THEIR KNEES.

466
00:18:24,837 --> 00:18:29,006
I'M NOT DOING ALL THAT.
I'M TOO OLD FOR ALL THAT, OKAY?

467
00:18:29,074 --> 00:18:31,075
OKAY, I'LL JUST GO UPSTAIRS.

468
00:18:31,143 --> 00:18:33,377
I'M ON MY KNEES!
SORRY, SORRY!

469
00:18:33,445 --> 00:18:35,046
OKAY.

470
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:38,816
YOU GUYS GO OUT OF HERE
SO I CAN DO MY MAGIC IN PRIVACY.

471
00:18:38,884 --> 00:18:40,751
COME ON, STOP CRYING.

472
00:18:40,819 --> 00:18:42,420
I KNOW HE'S MAD.

473
00:18:42,488 --> 00:18:43,855
I KNOW WHY.

474
00:18:43,922 --> 00:18:46,000
HERE, NOW, WE'VE BEEN
THROUGH THIS BEFORE.

475
00:18:46,024 --> 00:18:47,492
YOU LAY DOWN HERE.

476
00:18:47,559 --> 00:18:50,394
I'LL TAKE YOUR LEGS AND PUT THEM
TO YOUR STOMACH, AND LET'S SEE.

477
00:18:50,462 --> 00:18:52,530
[ FARTS ]
YEAH!

478
00:18:52,598 --> 00:18:54,632
LOOK AT THE SMILE!

479
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:55,967
HE'S SMILING!

480
00:18:56,034 --> 00:18:57,545
OKAY, NOW, LET'S PLAY
A LITTLE TUNE.

481
00:18:57,569 --> 00:18:58,669
THERE MUST BE MORE.

482
00:18:58,737 --> 00:19:00,738
[ FARTING ]

483
00:19:14,686 --> 00:19:17,221
OH, EASY, GRANDSON, EASY.

484
00:19:17,289 --> 00:19:21,125
OH, HE'S LATCHING ON
SO WELL.

485
00:19:21,193 --> 00:19:24,128
I FEEL SUCH A CONNECTION.

486
00:19:24,196 --> 00:19:27,431
OOH, OOH, OOH!
DON'T BITE, DON'T BITE!

487
00:19:29,468 --> 00:19:31,412
YOU KNOW, I'M GONNA SAY
SOMETHING THAT YOU PROBABLY

488
00:19:31,436 --> 00:19:34,305
WILL NEVER HEAR ME SAY AGAIN...
I WAS WRONG.

489
00:19:34,373 --> 00:19:36,374
[ CHUCKLES ]

490
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:39,410
VERY FUNNY.

491
00:19:39,478 --> 00:19:41,312
WHAT WERE YOU WRONG ABOUT?

492
00:19:41,380 --> 00:19:42,647
WELL, MRS. LANE...

493
00:19:42,714 --> 00:19:45,416
EVERYTHING SHE SAID
WASN'T COMPLETE CRAP.

494
00:19:45,484 --> 00:19:48,252
I MEAN, THIS MAN-BRA THING
IS PRETTY COOL.

495
00:19:48,320 --> 00:19:49,954
WOW, I AM SO GLAD TO SEE

496
00:19:50,022 --> 00:19:53,257
YOU'VE COME OUT OF
THE DARK AGES THERE, GRANDPA.

497
00:19:53,325 --> 00:19:55,270
I'M SORRY I EVER DOUBTED YOU,
MR. KYLE.

498
00:19:55,294 --> 00:19:56,761
YEAH, DAD.

499
00:19:56,828 --> 00:19:59,140
CERTIFICATE OR NOT, I ALWAYS
KNEW YOU'D BE A GREAT GRANDDAD.

500
00:19:59,164 --> 00:20:01,065
I MEAN, WHY NOT?
YOU'VE BEEN SUCH A GREAT DAD.

501
00:20:01,133 --> 00:20:02,934
OH, THAT IS SO SWEET.

502
00:20:03,001 --> 00:20:04,702
COME HERE.
GIVE YOUR DAD A HUG.

503
00:20:04,770 --> 00:20:06,704
I LOVE YOU, DAD.
I LOVE YOU, TOO.

504
00:20:19,718 --> 00:20:21,652
WHOA, WHOA.
SLOW DOWN, BOY, SLOW DOWN.

505
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,588
YEAH, YEAH.

506
00:20:23,655 --> 00:20:25,389
[ LAUGHTER ]

507
00:20:28,026 --> 00:20:29,961
I CAN'T DO IT.

508
00:20:31,263 --> 00:20:35,266
YEAH, RIGHT THERE.

509
00:20:35,334 --> 00:20:38,803
OOH, SLOW DOWN, BOY,
SLOW DOWN.

510
00:20:38,870 --> 00:20:41,405
OW, OH, SLOW DOWN, BOY,
SLOW DOWN.

511
00:20:41,473 --> 00:20:44,342
OH, HE REALLY LOVES
HIS GRANDPA'S BOOBY.

512
00:20:44,409 --> 00:20:50,881
[ Chuckling ] LISTEN, I'M GONNA
SAY SOMETHING THAT YOU...

513
00:20:50,949 --> 00:20:52,316
[ LAUGHTER ]